Opening Paragraph
Over the past couple of years, the issue of child abuse, especially in the context of the black community, has come into sharper focus than ever before. This blog post, originally based on a video featuring Tyler Perry’s account of his own experiences with severe physical abuse, continues to remain relevant. In this post, we delve deeper into the psychological aspects behind the abuse and how victims grapple with their past. The conversation has evolved, but the questions we asked then still persist now. How does one reconcile with such a past? How does it affect one’s future relationships, especially when they become parents themselves? These are some of the topics we explore in this revised post.
Tyler Perry’s Story and the Lingering Questions
Tyler Perry has publicly spoken about forgiving his father for years of severe physical abuse. For anyone who has ever studied psychology, it is evident why his mentally ill father, a black man, did what he did. Yet, Perry’s story raises several questions. Is maintaining a relationship with the abuser beneficial or harmful for the victim? And if you’re a victim with your own kids, how does this past abuse influence your own parenting approach?
The Impact of Abuse and The Dilemma of Forgiveness
The repercussions of abuse are far-reaching and often irrevocable. The black community, in particular, has had a complex relationship with the issue of abuse, often resorting to denial and avoidance instead of addressing it directly. This post questions the conventional wisdom of ‘moving on’ and ‘forgiving’ the abuser and explores the different ways victims might cope with their past.
Child Abuse and Its Effects on the Black Community
The black community has a unique set of challenges when it comes to dealing with child abuse. Coupled with issues like poverty, frustration, and neglect, abuse often leads to a cycle of mental illness and addiction. This post examines these issues and questions whether the conventional means of healing are sufficient or even appropriate.
Final Thoughts and Moving Forward
The journey to healing is a personal one, and money or outside resources may not necessarily provide the solution. This post encourages a more empathetic approach when dealing with victims of child abuse, urging us to ask the right questions, to encourage victims to take control of their situation, and to find their own path to resolution.
kevRoss
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Healing is a long process involving stages. First, is the acknowledgment that what happened was abuse. Despite being almost beaten to death, I grew up not realizing what happened to me was abuse for two reasons. My mind blocked out the worse parts and what I experienced was normal to me because I didn’t have a point of reference.
The next step is acknowledging feelings about what happened. It can take years to get through this as you discover and examine all the ways you were damaged and how it affected your life. You have to feel your rage / anger (depending on the depth and length of your abuse).
I cannot stress this next point enough: Only after you are really through with that second stage can you come to forgive. The parent / child ties go deep into the soul. There comes a time where you begin to become curious about how the person who abused you (in my case my mother) became the person they were. What happened to them? You look for a more historical perspective. It is at this point that you get a more full picture of what happened, like putting the final pieces of a puzzle together. Once you have arrived at this place, then you can move on with your life.
I wholeheartedly agree that there is deep damage when you tell an abuse survivor the following messages;
“It happened long ago, get over it.”
“Why do you want to wallow in the past?”
“It’s over, you have to move forward.”
“You just have to forgive, because Jesus forgave you.”
When abuse survivors get these messages, it takes away their rights to their feelings about what happened. When they announce to everyone they forgive, but are left with all the crappy feelings inside, they often turn to booze, drugs or suicide, because they forgave and they still feel bad about it, so something must be wrong with them.
If I had to choose one piece of advice to the abused and those around them, it would be “allow people their feelings.” If you weren’t the person being abused, be quiet and listen. What you think isn’t near as important as what they feel.
Though I understand there are cultural aspects to abuse, as a 57 year old white female survivor of physical and emotional child abuse who has finally come to a place where I am mostly healed, I felt I had something to contribute to the conversation.