15 Things You Should NOT Do at Starbucks (With a Dash of Humor)
Starbucks is a magical land of caffeine, cozy vibes, and the occasional sweet potato spice overload. But let’s face it, not everyone knows how to behave in this sacred space. If you’ve ever wondered, “Am I that person at Starbucks?”—don’t worry, we’ve got you covered. Here’s a lighthearted guide to what not to do, so you can sip your latte in peace and harmony with the rest of us.
1. Call someone on the cell phone to see what they want when it’s your turn in line.
You’ve been in line for 10 minutes, and now—now—you decide to call your friend to ask if they want oat milk or almond milk? It’s like waiting until the last second to study for a test. Pro tip: Text them before you even leave the house. If they don’t respond, congratulations, you just saved $6.
2. Bring your unruly children to hang out in Starbucks.
We love kids. Really, we do. But Starbucks isn’t exactly a playground. If your little ones are turning the café into an obstacle course or trying to “help” the barista make drinks, it might be time to grab your coffee to-go. Most of us are here to escape the chaos of life, not watch a live-action episode of Paw Patrol.
3. Apply your makeup in the only bathroom.
We get it—sometimes you’re in a rush, and the Starbucks bathroom feels like the perfect place to perfect your winged eyeliner. But while you’re in there blending your foundation, there’s a line of people outside doing the “I really need to pee” shuffle. Starbucks bathrooms are for quick pit stops, not full-blown makeovers. Save the glam session for your car mirror.
4. Take a dump in the bathroom.
Okay, let’s tread lightly here. Sometimes nature calls, and we get that. But if you’re in there long enough for someone to knock, you’ve officially crossed into “Oh no, what’s happening in there?” territory. Let’s just say, if it’s something that requires a newspaper, it’s probably best saved for home.
5. Talk loud on your cell phone like you’re the CEO of the world.
We’ve all heard that one person who’s practically shouting into their phone about “closing the deal” or “circling back on the synergy.” Here’s the thing: no one’s impressed. If anything, we’re all just trying to figure out if you’re actually important or just really into buzzwords. Keep it chill—your coffee’s the star here, not your conference call.
6. Listen in on someone’s meeting and then interrupt with your “brilliant” ideas.
You’re sitting there, sipping your latte, and you overhear someone brainstorming their next big project. Suddenly, you feel the urge to chime in with, “You know what you should do?” Resist that urge. Unless they specifically ask for your input (spoiler: they won’t), just enjoy your coffee and let them have their moment.
7. Leave your crumbs and half-empty coffee cup on the table for someone else to clean up.
Starbucks isn’t your kitchen, and the baristas aren’t your roommates. Leaving your mess behind is like saying, “I’m done with this, so it’s someone else’s problem now.” It takes two seconds to toss your cup in the trash and wipe up your crumbs. Plus, it makes you look like a responsible adult, which is always a win.
8. Sip your coffee at the condiment stand like it’s a wine tasting.
We get it—you’re a coffee artist, and your drink needs to be just right. But do you really need to stand at the condiment bar for five minutes, stirring, sipping, and adjusting your sugar ratio while the rest of us are waiting to grab a napkin? Take your coffee science experiment to your table, and let the rest of us grab our Splenda in peace.
9. Host a massive meeting that takes up half the café.
There are three tables in this Starbucks, and you’re using all of them for your “team brainstorming session.” Meanwhile, the rest of us are balancing our laptops on our knees because you’ve decided Starbucks is your personal conference room. If your meeting requires more chairs than people in the café, it might be time to consider renting a meeting space—or at least buying coffee for everyone.
10. Bring a power strip and plug in everything you own.
Oh, you brought your laptop, phone, tablet, Bluetooth speaker, and George Foreman grill? Cool. Now no one else can charge their phone because you’ve turned Starbucks into your personal tech hub. Maybe leave some outlets for the rest of us, or better yet, invest in a portable charger.
11. Use Starbucks as your personal office for 8 hours.
Ordering a single tall drip coffee does not entitle you to camp out for an entire workday. If you’ve been there so long that the baristas know your life story, it’s time to pack it up. Starbucks is a café, not a co-working space. And no, leaving a $1 tip doesn’t make it okay.
12. Bring your dog (or worse, your cat) into the café.
We love pets as much as the next person, but unless it’s a service animal, Fluffy doesn’t need to be in Starbucks. No one wants to see your Pomeranian sniffing around the pastry case or your cat lounging on the table like it owns the place. Leave them at home where they can be comfy and judgment-free.
14. Take Instagram photos of your drink for 20 minutes.
We get it, your latte art is gorgeous. But while you’re busy capturing the perfect shot, your coffee is getting cold, and the rest of us are just trying to get to the counter. Snap your pic, post it, and move on. Your followers will still love you even if you don’t get the perfect angle.
15. Bring outside food and act like it’s no big deal.
“Oh, this? It’s just a full Subway sandwich and a bag of chips. No big deal.” Actually, it is a big deal. Starbucks sells food, and bringing your own snacks is like showing up to a potluck with nothing but Tupperware to take leftovers. If you’re going to bring outside food, at least be sneaky about it.
So there you have it: a lighthearted guide to not being that person at Starbucks. Follow these tips, and you’ll not only make the world a better place, but you’ll also avoid the silent side-eyes of every caffeine-loving human around you. Now go forth and enjoy your coffee responsibly!
